Reintegration

My journey back and subsequent settling in to my old life in Nashville has been good, bad, and hilarious, and here is my journey back via Facebook posts (so that I can freakin' delete them finally!):

December 10, 2012

From London:

"The journey back to my native land begins. I already feel beat up. Let's see how things are 15 hours from now.... Ha! Love to all!"

"Train to a plane to a plane to an Elo."

"So tired. Not excited for this 10 hour flight. Back to reality. Now the shit storm really begins..... Don't even have a driver's license..... Yet. Whatevs. I got this."

"Great stroke of luck! I am in coach, but it isn't even close to a full flight. This means Jilly will get much needed beauty sleep and will get to lay down. Hellz yes!!!!!!"

From Houston:

"Heyyyyy USAAAAAA!"

"Welp, my life is highly flawed and there are many issues to work out, but I have happiness and peace despite it all. My life is pretty badass. Not gonna lie. Oh yeah, and just WATCH what comes next...... :)"

"Only 13 hours of travel so far..... Unrealsies!"

"In a chair that gives shitty massages for a dollar. I bought two shitty massages. Better than nothing........"

From Nashville:

"Made it back to Nashvegas! So happy!"

"I walked around my house tonight looking for my life. Fortunately I found it, but it was an unknown blank canvas. This should be fun!"

"Where'd I put my life? Where is it? I can't find my life....."

December 11, 2012

"I am so spoiled! I have a bed and two completely loving cats, and even more than 3 outfits! I have a lot. Enough. I am spoiled. It's embarrassing."

"So flippin' proud to be back in the great Music City! I LOVE this town!"

"I owe a LOT of people correspondence and private messages back. Please forgive the delay as I sift through the chaos. I DO want to attend every party, gig and event, of course!"

December 12, 2012

"I have gained some clarity. It's time to rock. Gonna lay some shit down. Get ready."

December 13, 2012

"Back into my broken life. Going to have to operate on a pendulum of productivity, where one side generates art and the other cleans up the mess that is left from my former life. My time must be wisely spent, and people in my life must be carefully chosen."

"Being broken isn't necessarily a negative. We think of it that way, but there is amazing beauty in it too. Picking up pieces means self-care. I get to concentrate on caring for myself for perhaps the first time. My only problem is that of not being able to self-divide and conquer."

"I miss being homeless in Europe. Life was easier......"

December 14, 2012

"Slightly upset to be back into my life. Need to build Zen around this place. Have further cleared my schedule until 2013 so I can set myself up for success in the new year."

"Today: threw several meditations, yoga and a new church onto my schedule. It is time to make centering my priority. Anyone/everyone is welcome to join. I will be attending the 9am Sunday services over at First Unitarian Univarsalist Church on Woodmont."

"OK. I found out what is really bothering me about being back besides the basic no "real" job thing, the divorce thing and the intense amount of clutter-clearing thing: I am too high maintenance! I lived for over a month with only 3 outfits, limited face and hair and nail products, and survived. Yes, I looked like hell the entire time. But I did it! The simple life is/has always been for me. Home needs streamlining..."

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Clearly this was a reintegration roller coaster. There have been good times, and bad times, and all told, I am stronger, more independent and ready for what comes next, even though the here and now needs some polish. A LOT of polish. 

Did I gain the clarity that I so desired? In some ways, absolutely! In others, only time will tell. But I was able to clearly do what I aimed to do; I was able to travel to Europe with nothing but a dream of another land and a backpack and one pair of semi-decent walking shoes, and I survived, gained my fight back, learned to thrive, made new friends and strengthened old ones, and have a new perspective on my life and where it might take me. In addition, I have gained some level of happiness and a major dose of appreciation that I didn't necessarily have when I was leaving out on this journey (my cats are sooooooo soft!!!!). I realize how very spoiled I am, how I have most of what I need, and how I must look inside to generate the love, the peace and the music that I aim to share with the world. I may not be going down a conventional road, and at times it is painful and confusing, but it is my path, and I must love on it forever. Even if another soul crosses my path again in a relationship or even in a marriage, my path must be mine. And I must love it. And now, in fact, I do. I am not that hard to love, it turns out. I don't do a lot of things that hurt, and my heart wants to help people naturally. Love comes naturally from within, and if I can reflect that generosity of spirit and love onto myself, I will never need for outside validation. Thus, I will be able to give openly and freely of my love, like I want to. With healthy boundaries in place, peace in my heart, and a path that is bright in every direction, I am ready for my next adventure. 

Alone, or with a friend, a lover, or a travel buddy, I can find my bliss. Life is and can be beautiful. We need to find that beauty as much as we can; and oftentimes when it isn't anywhere else, it can be found within.