I love that my morning is sometimes spent texting and Facebooking with my friends back in the US, as they get home from their respective days, either sober or not-so-sober on a case-by-case basis. I am so grateful for the mix of creative, intelligent and funny friends that I have somehow accumulated on my life's journey up until now. Without my friends, I wouldn't have much family! My people enrich my life in countless ways, and I KNOW they find my antics to either be shocking, entertaining, or something at which to laugh and point. All are fine with me. I have no idea how, beaten down in most every way by my life, that I have risen above it and have an ego intact. I have no idea what separates me from the homeless or the drug-addicted, because truly I should have become a statistic long ago.
I have been reading this self-help book (maybe this is what separates me - on a constant quest for self-help!!) called "Getting Naked." It is admittedly not the most amazing book I have read, but it has made me cerebral from time to time. This quote from the author sang to me today, "I started to date a lot. I soon realized I didn't want everyone (even the hot ones) once I got to know them. I wanted someone who could add to my life - make each day better, make me smile, make me want to be my best, be proud to date me, and want to kiss me and be kissed by me." Yup. That accurately sums up what I also seek. It is simple, but oh so complex! Why isn't this easy to come by? I mean, for me, the kissing part surely is. I also want to be my best regardless of who I am dating - for me! However, someone that adds to my life..... that is where I get stuck. I have often gotten into relationships that take, not add. My family of origin is a prime example, and while my marriage benefitted me in some tangible ways, there was much more take than add. And I stood depleted. This is why I will never ever date someone who needs fixing. I have the ability to fix, and am a natural nurturer, yet I can so easily fall into that trap and become Ms. Fix-It. The problem arises on the rare occasions when I myself need fixing. There has traditionally been nobody there. Well, crickets.......
To find someone that adds to my life would be amazing. Amongst that quote, and the entire book, really, that can serve as my biggest lesson. In addition, this book has also provided me with immense comfort, knowing that I have so many options mate-wise, and that I must become more selective because of the immense amount of options. In addition, it has taught me to fully accept romantic rejection, which in an unfortunate part of life (or is it unfortunate? Why would you wanna be with someone who doesn't wanna be with you!?), and to also be bold and honest with my feelings because honesty is perhaps the greatest gift you can give to someone - in a long term, global sense. It may hurt, may sting, may break a heart, but ultimately it frees a person to go find a more appropriate and willing mate. Love this concept. I have always tried to be honest with my feelings in this realm. It takes people aback, to be sure, but now I feel justified in doing so because they are able to move on and find someone that will fit the above quote. I hate wasting my time, and I also appreciate the fact that I don't need to waste someone else's.
Another quote that slayed me in this book: a guest asks the author, "Where do you draw the line between saving a relationship and letting go?" The author responds "If you have to ask this question, then let go."
Damn. Yeah, that would have saved me 9 years of marital therapy, tears, heart-break over and over again, energy and my health. But now I know better. I learned these lessons the harder way and can only use the excuse of religious overtones and an attitude that marriage was forever. However, back in the day, I should have known better than to get married to a relationship that was beginning to show signs of needing saving. By the time I had the full picture, I had given up my NYC apartment and all its furniture, had moved in with my new husband, and was faced with a harsh reality that I had made a big mistake. Part of it was youth, part was not fully heeding red flags, and part of it was being deceived into thinking that certain things were one way when they weren't in reality. I know, at this point I am over-sharing, and in doing so, failing to protect the secrets I share with my ex, but he has failed me in so many ways over the last decade that at some point I have to stare the Stockholm(!) Syndrome in the face and raise my two favorite fingers. It is my emancipation. My reality. And HE was the goof that married a writer!
Note of caution to some: if you involve yourself with a writer or comedian, secrets will be shared with the world one way or the other if you don´t treat them right. Oh yeah, and I am no longer fearful of the Jersey "family" either. My astrologist from India, and several other spiritual advisors have assured me that I have a long life, am intelligent, and my brain will be intact for the duration. Plus, unlike some gun-toting individuals from my past, I can CUT A BITCH if need be. Hand to hand baby! This is a skill that this survivor learned along the way.
OK, enough with the ferocity. I want to further discuss my turbaned astrologist. I know, dudes. I know it sounds so freaky-deaky! But my life..... if y'all could walk in my shoes for like a week, you would understand how the abnormal is really quite normal for me. My closest of friends experience this on an average night out with me. There is just an energy or a gravitational pull that I possess. I used to be much louder in Colorado and Minnesota - the small towns where I didn't ever fit in anyway. But once moving to NYC, my loudness paired with this gravitational pull was a really bad, dangerous liability. I learned to tone myself down. Now, I prefer most times to operate under the radar, but the pull.....it still happens a lot. My discretion does allow for the SUPERfreaks to pass me by, thank God. I don't need that noise. Now, let's just say, I have moments of random delight, amusement, and shock, and along the way, meet some incredible people and meet parts of myself too!
My turban-wearing astrologist told me this: I am open-hearted. This is not good. It doesn't work for me. In addition, he cautioned me about several people in my life, and how I need to be more tight-lipped about my career plans. HA! All of this tragically accurate. He told me of my past, my family, my lack of love (when people treat you poorly, no matter what they claim verbally, this isn´t love), my marriage and heart-break, and then told me about my financial status for the last two years. He psychically new how much money I was carrying, what my favorite flower was, my favorite number, my age, and how I am with people. To tell a writer not to share, well, that is tough, but I have always been an open book with everyone, and he warned me of those who are a certain way (which shall remain my secret) with me. So while I will share certain experiences and thoughts, I do need to make a change. He is right. He also taught me how to recognize it! It all made such amazing sense, and when I reflect on my 38 years thus far, he is completely correct.
He also told me of the next year, and in every way, with every spiritual advisor I have, they all say the exact same thing! It is just too coincidental. The good news for me is that MY ship is about to turn around, and those that have been good to me will reap the benefits, provided that they continue to be good to me, and those that have used me in any way, shape or form will..... well, let's just say that they won't be there for my party. Sweet karma. ;)
Good to know that there IS a party on the horizon, and yet while I cannot claim to be psychic, I have seen all the signs of greatness approaching. My friends and associates have benefitted greatly around me in the last year, I have noticed. My presence has added positivity and health that will yield nice long-term benefits to them. And my heart, even while healing, has felt nothing but joy and support. I am so lucky to not be a competitive or jealous or manipulative person. And as positive aspects spin around many that also have my best interest at heart, my time is coming. I already knew this somehow, but to hear several sources (plus one random, turbaned man from India who was pulled into a coffee shop in Sweden to tell me such), well, it makes me assured that there are no accidents right now. I just needed to go along this random path.....
Clarity....... thank you, powers that be. I am receiving the message loud and clear, and am filled with hope and inspiration already. And damn, I haven't even made it to my promised land (Prague) yet!
Sending out lots of love and peace to those who care enough or are curious enough to take the time to read my ramblings. My astrologist did assure me of my sanity, as wacky as I am!
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