The Philosophy of Love

My last day of my European journey, I sought more clarity even though my body was worn down, my feet were exhausted, and my soul was confused. I began this journey in tears in Stockholm - everything made me overwhelmed and emotional, and I ended it feeling like I am 80 years old, physically, but in between....

In between I got my fire/zest back for life, learned that I have the capacity to change some long-held attitudes about myself and others, and even though my body was weak, my soul was strong. I was not looking forward to the journey home, nor getting settled back into my aimless life, but I was excited to see my friends and kitties back home, and I needed a real bed in a big way. My last day, I almost followed suit with my three roommates, preferring to stay in my hostel bed and just rest my aching bones. Plus, I had no more ibuprofen to carry me through, but my soul was strong. I didn't find a specific meditation that Sunday morning, like I was originally seeking, but I did find a talk in the Camden area of London called the Philosophy of Love, and it wasn't starting until late afternoon, so I took my sweet-assed time getting there, got to the neighborhood early, and walked around for a bit. The area is definitely very "Jill," in that there are black clothes, pierced and tattoo'd people, places to get more tattoos and piercings, and a general hipster vibe that made me immediately feel at home. I grabbed a coffee and headed toward the "Pirate Castle," where the talk was to be held. I was an hour and a half early, but I like to have a relaxed time of finding my location, and THEN wandering from there, instead of searching frantically at the last minute. It avoids stress, which we all have enough of.

On December 9th I wrote:
On love:
Attended a spiritual talk titled "The Philosophy of Love" for my last day in London. It took place at the Pirate Castle in Camden, an area I hadn't visited yet. Surely it will give me food for thought as I wrap up my journey. It was given through an organization called Inner Space, which I discovered on my search to find a meditation center. I recorded it and am glad that I did. I will need to hear it more than once. Here are some summary-based (paraphrased) thoughts that I posted on Facebook after the talk/meditation:

"If you are not "full" in the love category, you cannot give of yourself without becoming depleted. Once you are full, you can give freely without expectation of anything in return. Pure love flows without any expectation of reciprocity. You cannot rely on getting it from others. Others will never fully fill you and may not always be there. It must come from self-love, self-acceptance, and self-respect."

"You cannot have true love where ego is present. Ego is self-serving or self-reflective, and contaminates love, making it an artificial version."

Quotes/thoughts I posted on Facebook in order to come back to it and address my thoughts on it:
"One day he'll wake up and realize that he needs her and she'll be waking up next to the one who already knew."

"Okayyyyy. Just cause yer single and now I'm single, that doesn't make me interested or interesting. I'm gonna wait for something awesome. Already wasted enough time dancing awkwardly with Mr. Wrong.
My availability doesn't make me Ms. Right. Or my US citizen status. Or my job. Or my boobs.
Think I am going to abstain from dating until 2013. I need a hiatus from that noise..."

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So I found the Pirate Castle (pictures on Facebook), walked in, and then promptly went to find myself some sushi. I needed to avoid the shops at all cost because I was nearly out of money, and had to have enough to travel the next day to Houston, and then on to Nashville.  Ahhhhhh - again with the damned stress over money. Good God!

So I avoided by finding a sushi joint, relaxed as I had my last Euromeal, and reflected on my journey. I was proud of myself for getting up and getting out of the hostel, even though my body rejected the notion with every step. Now, a week later, my body has recovered largely, but back then it was really in pretty bad shape.

I reflected on the highlights and lowlights, of course. Seeing friends and meeting new ones, seeing my Prague, my Prahamised Land, taking pictures and documenting thoughts along the way, losing my passport, my shit, my mind, and then the gain that followed in terms of strength of spirit and inner power. I reflected on all of the things I wanted to do that I didn't or couldn't or wouldn't do. I reflected on the fantasy of this sort of trip versus the reality of this sort of trip. I reflected on how I was able to rekindle so many relationships along the way - some that needed to be refreshed, and others that weren't so close to begin with, but grew that way as I was able to truly MEET the people that I got to see along my path.  In many ways, I wish I had been more alert, alive and energetic after Berlin. But I did the best I could in each case, and it highlighted so many aspects of my life that were amazing, and others that need improvement.

One area of needed improvement is love.

This year, quite possibly even before this year, I lost my love - for my spouse, my career, my life, and for many other everyday things. As I struggled through the inevitable depression that a failing marriage can bring, I recorded a Blues album (www.reverbnation.com/jillcourtney), turned to substances to cope (both prescribed and over the counter), and generally went on a downward spiral that ended with a final decision to move on with my life alone. Because the marriage was failing for so long, I immediately thought I was ready to love again. So I tried dating. And soon learned that nope - I am not ready nor anywhere near being emotionally available, so I opted to learn about ME again.

What I learned was both good and bad. Yes, I was emotionally unavailable, but over the past six months I have come around, and the good thing is, when I find the right man (no freakin' rush!), I am surprisingly unjaded. I still believe in love and the possibility of love. In addition, I have learned that I must fulfill my every love need from within, because to rely on others outside of the self is perhaps a losing bet. This talk, "The Philosophy of Love," was just what the doctor ordered, and I didn't even know it!

The experience started out with your typical, spa-like, new age-y relaxation music, as people filled the Pirate Castle. The company, called Inner Space (http://www.innerspace.org.uk/), was hosting the talk.

It was calm and there was very little talking, as these meditative things seem to start. There was a moment of silence to relax everyone before the guest speaker was introduced. Denise Richmond was her name, I think, and she was chosen because of her loving qualities. She was a soft-spoken woman who definitely had an understanding of the topic. I, of course, was recording the entire thing. I knew that it would prove useful, and if not, I could just delete it from my phone. I did know that I was only in a partially receptive place, at the end of my journey, exhausted, with way too much on my mind. My Zen had pretty much disappeared a while back, so I was here to rediscover it via this talk. As Ms. Richmond began speaking, I could tell that she was a gentle and loving soul, and to put her at guru status for a talk like this was actually quite appropriate. She was calm, philosophical, and possessed the London accent with which I am so very obsessed.

We started with the question: What is love?

Everyone's experience and answer is different, and she asked the audience if love is different between different people. For instance, is it different between a parent and child versus two friends, versus a romantic relationship? Generally, people tend to believe that there are different "types" of love out there, thus giving a vast definitive answer from person to person. In fact, she pointed out, if you Google "love" you will get a wide array of answers, but in fact love is really quite simple.

She stated that we are able to understand what love is when we are able to understand ourselves. She pointed out how powerful meditation can be; the time spent alone in silence with oneself. Silence is very important - it is the opportunity to connect to myself - I am able to experience what it is that I have within myself. There I am able to experience the love that I have within. It is an innate quality. Kindness, caring, compassion, mercy, forgiveness - those qualities that we have and show to others, are not necessarily shown to everyone. For instance, in our society, we are not able to show that innate love to everybody successfully. When a car cuts you off on the highway, for instance, you don't necessarily show that person a warm side of the self unless you are in a very very healthy place.

For me, I don't experience much road rage, and I don't get angry often, but I can't really say that I am able to love in such a circumstance. I have yet to learn to control my emotions to the point where even in those moments I can feel love for all others. Or when you meet someone for the first time, it is easier to judge or put up barriers than it is to be open and accepting and welcoming.

The next question posed - is my heart big enough for that? Do I have the capacity to be this way? Is it important to be this way as a life goal? What is the value of being loving? What is in it for me?

WHAT IS IN IT FOR ME?

The talk got caught up in this concept a bit. Does love have expectation? Or in its purest form, does it exist entirely separate from expectations?

In my opinion, it is important to be this way with all people. Without expectation. However, this is really hard. Often, brokenhearted means that someone didn't live up to the expectations of another, and in doing so, either failed to love fully or failed to express love adequately enough.

I thought about my own life. Had I EVER loved without expectations? Without expecting it to be returned or expressed or shown to me back? The truth is, not really. I have rarely successfully just loved without expectation, aside from the love I experience with my cats or babies or really old people. And even then, if my cat were to claw me as I love on him, I would perhaps take it personally - not fully, but momentarily, highlighting that indeed at times I DO have an expectation attached to that love.

In fact, love in my life has often been tied to it's return. It has been hard for me to love someone that either doesn't show love to me, or worse, mistreats me. If I am left "brokenhearted" it often means that I had hopes or expectations of this behavior or that, and the reality didn't measure up.

But the truth is, reality can NEVER measure up to the love we all need externally. If we look for it outside of ourselves, we will always come up empty-handed on those days where humans fail us. What if they are out of town, or worse, have died? How, then, are they supposed to adequately love us so that we FEEL loved? Or what if they don't have love for themselves? If they aren't "full," how can they give an adequate amount of love instead of seeking it themselves?

We are all in a constant state of seeking evidence of said love in the context of many of our relationships. I am absolutely guilty of it. Everyone has come up short, and I am left feeling a severe lack of love in nearly every relationship in my life. My marriage for years felt bankrupt in the love category, and thought I tried to be generous, warm, giving and forgiving, when I failed to receive such motions back, I felt even more void of love.

I think my main takeaway from the first part of this talk was the concept of self-love. I am surely lucky in that I have always known that self-love was where it was at. There was such an insufficient amount coming from absolutely everywhere, except certain mentors along the way, that I had to rely on myself for this. This is truly sad, but also taught me really early on that I was going to need to find the power, the love, the confidence and the acceptance within me. This has carried me, and will continue to carry me into my future. Somehow, though, I did get lost in the love concept during my marriage. I foolishly thought, "oh, well this person is going to love me now, so I can stop being so self-reliant, and let someone else hold me up, finally." But at this, he was a colossal failure, as anyone might be. Sure, he had some self-work that prevented that from truly ever happening, but the point is that I should never have attached such expectations to my marital love, and I know that now. I know that without constant self-care, self-maintenance, and self-love, when I give it away to others, I will feel depleted, like I did throughout my marriage. This was my mistake in love. I wanted so badly to be loved completely and purely by someone else, that I pinned everything onto this one relationship. Perhaps had my partner been stronger, it would have been a gentler process for me, but the expectations were such that nobody could have fully ever made up for my deficiencies within myself. Nobody could/can make up for the lack of "love" that I experienced before, during and after my marriage except for me.

Having meditation time during this talk proved to be beneficial, and I have realigned my expectations in the area of love. This doesn't mean that there won't be behavioral expectations and healthy boundaries, but I plan to fill myself with love on a regular basis by showing my body and my soul more respect and self-love time. Does this sound hippie enough yet for ya?  Yeah, I know it does. But I accept that it is a place where I belong - a philosophical, spiritual place where I can make sure that I am ok, and then can therefore give to others.

Other questions discussed:
Can love be turned on or off?
Should it be different with different people? Compartmentalized? Reduced depending upon the relationship?
When we give love, can it be given freely? Is there an underlying expectation of give and take? If I invest in someone with love, what do I expect to get back? Do you always get back what you put in?
How do I love without becoming hurt?
Lust, romance, attachment, all these words dilute the word and concept of love, making something quite simple more complex. We are able to have love for people we know or people we have relationships with. So do we have a limited capacity to love? What holds us back?

Fear? Lack of respect, or we didn't receive what we thought we would, and our heart becomes closed as a way of protecting the self? Or we tell ourselves, "When I do give love, what I experience is hurt and pain, and I don't want to experience that again."

When we step back and view true love, we can see that it is like the ocean - there is no beginning middle and end to it. Real love is not something that you can cut or compartmentalize - it is for everyone and inherently free.

Where does love come from?  Where can you get it?
When we turn to people for the experience of love, what happens?
When we look to any person to receive love, care, compassion, we will receive love. BUT as individuals we can't give an unlimited amount of love to just one source.

If my source of love is entirely dependent on others, they may want to give love, but there may come a time when they are unable to. What happens then? Life changes every single second.

Is my foundation for my inner well-being dependent upon external (changing) sources? We need human relationships, and can show and receive love, but it will never be enough, every day, for eternity.

Why is it important to love everyone? What's in it for you? What's in it for me?

In life, when I ma not full/content inside of myself, I have very little to give to others. And what I have I give to those around me. Then when it comes to others, I don't have it to give. If I don't have it, I can't give it.

It is our responsibility to ourselves to be full inside ourselves - spiritually speaking.

It takes courage to love others - kindness, compassion, openness - it is a challenge to do something different, or something out of your comfort zone.

More thoughts and notes on this to be continued..... it is a vast subject....... and I certainly do NOT have it figured out. What I do know is that I aim to be more loving, generally, and I struggle with it every day. However, I am not jaded nor am I bitter, and for that I am extremely grateful.

As I go on my journey, I have picked up several new habits of thought, and plan to incorporate a more Zen-like existence, finding meditation groups, church-like activities with the Universalists, and generally evolve into a more compassionate, caring, loving individual. Stay tuned......  :)

Reintegration

My journey back and subsequent settling in to my old life in Nashville has been good, bad, and hilarious, and here is my journey back via Facebook posts (so that I can freakin' delete them finally!):

December 10, 2012

From London:

"The journey back to my native land begins. I already feel beat up. Let's see how things are 15 hours from now.... Ha! Love to all!"

"Train to a plane to a plane to an Elo."

"So tired. Not excited for this 10 hour flight. Back to reality. Now the shit storm really begins..... Don't even have a driver's license..... Yet. Whatevs. I got this."

"Great stroke of luck! I am in coach, but it isn't even close to a full flight. This means Jilly will get much needed beauty sleep and will get to lay down. Hellz yes!!!!!!"

From Houston:

"Heyyyyy USAAAAAA!"

"Welp, my life is highly flawed and there are many issues to work out, but I have happiness and peace despite it all. My life is pretty badass. Not gonna lie. Oh yeah, and just WATCH what comes next...... :)"

"Only 13 hours of travel so far..... Unrealsies!"

"In a chair that gives shitty massages for a dollar. I bought two shitty massages. Better than nothing........"

From Nashville:

"Made it back to Nashvegas! So happy!"

"I walked around my house tonight looking for my life. Fortunately I found it, but it was an unknown blank canvas. This should be fun!"

"Where'd I put my life? Where is it? I can't find my life....."

December 11, 2012

"I am so spoiled! I have a bed and two completely loving cats, and even more than 3 outfits! I have a lot. Enough. I am spoiled. It's embarrassing."

"So flippin' proud to be back in the great Music City! I LOVE this town!"

"I owe a LOT of people correspondence and private messages back. Please forgive the delay as I sift through the chaos. I DO want to attend every party, gig and event, of course!"

December 12, 2012

"I have gained some clarity. It's time to rock. Gonna lay some shit down. Get ready."

December 13, 2012

"Back into my broken life. Going to have to operate on a pendulum of productivity, where one side generates art and the other cleans up the mess that is left from my former life. My time must be wisely spent, and people in my life must be carefully chosen."

"Being broken isn't necessarily a negative. We think of it that way, but there is amazing beauty in it too. Picking up pieces means self-care. I get to concentrate on caring for myself for perhaps the first time. My only problem is that of not being able to self-divide and conquer."

"I miss being homeless in Europe. Life was easier......"

December 14, 2012

"Slightly upset to be back into my life. Need to build Zen around this place. Have further cleared my schedule until 2013 so I can set myself up for success in the new year."

"Today: threw several meditations, yoga and a new church onto my schedule. It is time to make centering my priority. Anyone/everyone is welcome to join. I will be attending the 9am Sunday services over at First Unitarian Univarsalist Church on Woodmont."

"OK. I found out what is really bothering me about being back besides the basic no "real" job thing, the divorce thing and the intense amount of clutter-clearing thing: I am too high maintenance! I lived for over a month with only 3 outfits, limited face and hair and nail products, and survived. Yes, I looked like hell the entire time. But I did it! The simple life is/has always been for me. Home needs streamlining..."

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Clearly this was a reintegration roller coaster. There have been good times, and bad times, and all told, I am stronger, more independent and ready for what comes next, even though the here and now needs some polish. A LOT of polish. 

Did I gain the clarity that I so desired? In some ways, absolutely! In others, only time will tell. But I was able to clearly do what I aimed to do; I was able to travel to Europe with nothing but a dream of another land and a backpack and one pair of semi-decent walking shoes, and I survived, gained my fight back, learned to thrive, made new friends and strengthened old ones, and have a new perspective on my life and where it might take me. In addition, I have gained some level of happiness and a major dose of appreciation that I didn't necessarily have when I was leaving out on this journey (my cats are sooooooo soft!!!!). I realize how very spoiled I am, how I have most of what I need, and how I must look inside to generate the love, the peace and the music that I aim to share with the world. I may not be going down a conventional road, and at times it is painful and confusing, but it is my path, and I must love on it forever. Even if another soul crosses my path again in a relationship or even in a marriage, my path must be mine. And I must love it. And now, in fact, I do. I am not that hard to love, it turns out. I don't do a lot of things that hurt, and my heart wants to help people naturally. Love comes naturally from within, and if I can reflect that generosity of spirit and love onto myself, I will never need for outside validation. Thus, I will be able to give openly and freely of my love, like I want to. With healthy boundaries in place, peace in my heart, and a path that is bright in every direction, I am ready for my next adventure. 

Alone, or with a friend, a lover, or a travel buddy, I can find my bliss. Life is and can be beautiful. We need to find that beauty as much as we can; and oftentimes when it isn't anywhere else, it can be found within.

Back in My Mess

My original intention was to charge the entire Europe trip. Everyone goes into debt for crap, and I never have except for schooling, of course, so I decided that the timing and availability were 2 out of 3 requirements for me to go. The $ thing, while I am now SO flippin' sick of talking about it, well let's just say that through a divorce, paying all my money out of pocket for surgery, and having no income at all per se, it just equates to a really tricky situation at home. But I decided to charge it all, and just pay it off over time, putting faith in the fact that perhaps I will find a job - a GOOD paying job - in the new year. Nothing pursuable has materialized, and I will need to figure SOMETHING out. By August, if I cannot figure a way to buy my ex out of this house, I also will need to move and put it on the market and settle into yet ANOTHER change.

Well, in Berlin, I lost everything I brought with me to finance my trip, and had to borrow money from my parents (on the way back to them as I write this), and that came out of my existing money, which is very little, not my credit card, like I had planned. In addition, I came back to a massive phone bill that I TRIED to avoid by getting an international plan, but still managed to rack up nearly $700 during the course of the two bill cycles. Yeah...... Hot. Damn.

These things are all petty and amount to a bunch of bullshit. It just means that I have to sell off things to survive as is. This was not the fantasy, not planned, but I have to do what I have to do - just like everybody. It won't be easy, but I feel like a really strong job is just around the corner for me.

Getting home was exciting at first. I am still a bit exhausted from travel and subsequent evenings spent in a bar, as if that is productive in any way! I need to reconnect with my friends here in Nashville, but to be honest, I have been pretty scared to do so. Irrationally, I am sure, it is just hard to have to explain my life - no husband, no business, no job, no goals..... without getting carried away in emotion. I really feel like a freakin' loser sometimes because I wasn't able to keep bailing out my sinking ship. But I grew weak because at times I felt I was the only one. I felt alone.

This is thematic in my life. I isolate and then feel alone. I have gained some real clarity in this though.

I have major freakin' trust issues. I am talking MAJOR. I don't let people in easily, am suspicious of everyone's intentions, and have a basic attitude that I am in this life all by myself. Truly, I have never really been able to rely on anyone else fully. People say one thing and do another. Or they lie. Or they have a hidden agenda. This is my dragon to slay in this lifetime, and yet I continuously get involved with people that either don't have my best interest at heart, or just notice that I am strong(ish) and assume I can handle it all myself.

And when left alone, I oftentimes even wonder - can I trust myself? I managed to lose my stuff in Berlin. I managed to get myself into a dysfunctional marriage, and then have to pay and pray my way out of it for years. I managed to enter a very fickle and superficial business of "show" where I have found many amazing people who have amazing talent, but I struggle to be able to discern who is real and who isn't. I am finding that many aren't real, and struggle with self-blame. For instance: why did I chose to go into this business? Why do I remain? Why did I set myself up for failure with relationships and finances? The lack of self-trust is therefore quite extensive.

Having to ask for help has been a big lesson on this journey.

My next entry, on the topic of "love" might be a more positive and uplifting entry. This one was written right as I got back to my life in Nashville. Just where my head is at today....

London

Well, I am supposed to leave in 6 hours from my hostel, and the lack of creature comforts prompts me to do so. But like each and every stop along Clarity Road, I just didn"t have enough time in London. Honestly, I had just enough time for my cash, though. Cannot wait to stop freakin' talking about being impoverished. It's embarrassing and I am over it. At least at home I can generate money through work, and will even have access to money I have already made! Guess I could make some here too, but there are just some things I am not willing to do....... ;)

Thursday, December 6, 2012:

Arriving into London via a flight was not my original plan. I wanted to get everywhere via train, if you will remember my original fantasy, but the Eurail system requires that a non-EU resident book a month in advance so they can mail the pass. I didn't have the luxury of time, and then, when peering at France and London on a map, I saw water. Therefore, booked a flight. I now know there is the Chunnel, and I probably should have done that, but..... next time. Getting over Paris was hard. I fell in love with it. Plus there was a street for me named "Rue de Bitche" right there in the financial district. Certainly, though, as a non-francophone, I needed to move on. Begrudgingly.

I wasn't fully prepared for the giant relief that I experienced once in London, however. I could read! I could write! I could speak! Certainly every single country on my journey has been accommodating, but being in an English-speaking country, even if they have different words for things, was a sight for sore eyes. Approaching the Underground/Tube booth (this is what they call their subway), and not feeling like I was asking the moon and the stars by speaking English - fantastic!

I couldn't really grasp much of London, as I landed in the dark, rode the Tube, and then emerged in my hostel's neighborhood to navigate my trek to the hostel.. I was able to find the hostel, check in, and go to my room. First impression: this place is pretty run down. The rooms are basic, they didn't even issue you a bar of soap, which they do in PRISON, I hear, and I was placed in a unisex room for the first time. 

Smelling slightly homeless from my journey, I had to pack up a travel bag for the shower room, because I can't change in the room. This whole process, plus locking everything up every time, was a hassle and generally a full comedy of errors. Every damned day. The bed is one of the thinest I have seen, but they have a great comforter on the bed, which some have not had. 

The first roommate I encountered was a guy (never learned his name) right by the door as I entered. I originally thought he was an Aussie, but turns out I was wrong. I locked up my bag, went out for Indian food, and then spent the rest of that evening catching up on my blog and email, and uploading travel pics. If you haven't seen them, they are on my Facebook page under the photos section. Each location has a separate folder..

Through the Facebook lens:

Thursday, December 6, 2012:

"London!!! Now, I will find out if the bridge is indeed falling down. Research underway...."

"Anarchy in the UK baybay!!!!"

"Omg. Everything here is in English. Well, kind of. ;)

Here is what I appreciate:

*all signs

*newspapers

*employees of everything

*information booths

*transportation

OMG. So much easier to speak a language. Who knew?!

Even still, my travels were possible alone, and made more smooth with a little help from my friends. Also really great to not feel like an asshole by speaking my foreign tongue...... Ahhhhhh......"

"So I walk into my hostel room, the lights are all on, and I immediately see a massive man in the bed by the door. He opens one eye and utters hello. I suspect he is Australian. Along this journey, I have been in female-only rooms by choice. But here, in London, my only choice was a girls-only room with 11 other roommates..... No thank you. THIS should be interesting....."

In response to snarky comments from my friend--based peanut gallery regarding the Pasty man:

"Ummmm no. He is not hot. To me, anyway. I'll let know know if I ever see him upright.  I will be safe. I have my "cut-a-bitch" ring on in case shit goes down."

"OK. Saw him upright. NOT my type. Ha! Second thought, he looks pasty and slightly British. I am in a room with another girl (from Paris - right where I just came from - same neighborhood), and some other dude who I haven't seen. The girl and I have bonded. This will be interesting. Pasty hasn't left his computer or his bed, but for a moment. Hope he isn't there all week!"

Friday, December 7, 2012

Friday I got up early, had some breakfast at the "Continental Breakfast" that the hostel offers, which basically means that every day I had yogurt with granola in it. Yogurt is my favorite food anyway, so I was happy with it. Their coffee was atrocious, though, so I couldn't drink it black, like I usually do. I found out the previous evening that my friend and former colleague, Dr. David J. Sorrells (he was with me in Prague and the original inspiration for this trip, actually), was also in London at the same time. We hadn't really examined our schedules closely enough, and thought we weren't going to overlap, but we did again. We promptly made plans to meet the next morning to go hunting for pictures together, and started with the hop-on hop-off bus after coffee. It was so great to see him again - he is adorbs and a total blast to hang with.

We took pictures and walked all day, and then ended up getting a free boat ride on the Thames too! We took pictures until the sun went down, and then it was time for me to get back to my neighborhood to meet up with my friend Kara. David and I made plans for more pictures and bus action the next day.

I also ended up having to purchase new shoes. No, not cool Londony ones; Lame walking ones. I threw out the shoes I had while inside the store, forcing myself to leave with new shoes no matter what. I just COULDN'T handle it anymore. It may have meant one less coffee or meal, but things had to change. The minute I put on the new shoes I felt so much better. Sure, I was risking breaking in new shoes as a walking tourist (and yup - ended up with blisters alright), but it is STILL better than the worn out and stinky shoes that have carried me this far. I am grateful for them, but also grateful to see them go. By the time I had made it to Paris, they had become a smell liability.

It was so great to see Kara - we stayed at the coffee shop/sandwich place the whole time. Catching up with her was really great, and again, she looks the same! She and I have some similar things going on in some ways, and she had moved to London to pursue work. She has more familiarity with London because her family is from here. Well, and Iowa. I met Kara at The American Musical and Dramatic Academy, and it has been 14 years since I have seen her. Too long. Not exactly as I had fully imagined it, we had miso soup and coffee and remained fully sober the whole time It was so great to see her, and crossing paths at this point on each of our respective journeys was pretty amazing. And then, both exhausted, we went our separate ways for an earlyish night. I was worn from touring, she was tired from working for an art gallery and getting a bit lost on the way to finding me. I just used the extra time to upload more photos. :)

Via Facebook on Friday: 

"Turns out, when Princesses get morning sickness in London, they go to the hospital for three days and then get yellow flowers. The charmed life....."

"Exchanged money for new shoes. Had to happen. Feel so much better. Now I can walk in London.

Saturday, December 8, 2012:

Saturday morning was a bit rough in that David and I had decided to meet up at a different location, in front of the Westminster Abbey, and so I had to navigate a Tube transfer. The Tube is really quite simple here, though it is less convenient in some ways to NYC's subway, which I lived with for 8 years. However, I am grateful that it is all in English!

David and I had another extreme day of walking/sight-seeing and picture hunting. It was so great, and we were blessed with fantastic weather. I love that SOME of my pictures have blue sky behind them. :)

We had Thai for lunch, stopped for coffee, and leisurely saw several other places, which included a stroll through Hyde Park - my first real park stroll on this journey. It was soothing to the soul in several ways, and I also got to express my immature side by taking inappropriate pictures of statues' genitalia. You know, just a day in the life.

I was to meet up with my friend Shasta at a pre-arranged location, and I didn't want to take the lift (elevator) because I was feeling impatient. So on my way to Shasta, after walking all day and taking steps all day, I took the stairs. I found my self in a spiral staircase from hell, with no end in sight. It just. kept. going. I had to take like 8 breaks on the way to what turned out to be the equivalent of a 15-story building. Yeah. THEN I found Shasta and we walked some more - to dinner (Mexican), to a bar (very cute underground place) and then across the pedestrian bridge, along the river, through a carnival, and across another bridge in order to get to our Tube stop. By the time I got home after my various transfers on the Tube, my feet were telling me to FUCK OFF! Plus, new shoes gave me blisters. But you know WHAT? I am almost home, so I really don't even care anymore. 

Seeing Shasta, like seeing Kara and David, was so poignant. We are all at crossroads right now in life, and can support each other through it. For this, I am truly grateful. When I lived in NYC, Shasta was one of my roommates along the way. I met her through working on 42nd Street at the Times Square Chevy's, and we became fast friends. Back in the day, we would do some partying after our long and tiring shifts. Generally speaking, we would get out of work around 2 or 3am, and being all jacked up from working, we would head over to our local hangout, The Collins Bar, right up the street. That bar held some of my favorite and most legendary memories, and sadly it is now closed.

Shasta and I, however, have slowed our roll a bit, and only had a few drinks over the course of the evening, and had some delicious mulled wine as we mulled over our respective lives. I hadn't seen her in 11 years. She works for British Airlines now, and looks THE SAME. My friends have a real way of preserving themselves. 

Shasta and I laughed a lot, caught up, got a bit lost looking for our Tube due to lack of signage (thanks, London!) and though that was a bit of a fiasco, we have gone on such adventures together before. I daresay it was even fun. All in all, it was a great day with lots of joy and walking.

Via Facebook on Saturday:

"My body feels like it has been beaten with a 2x4. Can't wait to sleep in a real bed like a real girl, once I get home in 3 days. This 38-year-old needs to stop acting like a traveling 20-something. I am sleeping on a bunk bed. A bunk bed. In London. Near a random pasty man. Wtf. Where did my life take this turn? I'm too old for this. Plus, I miss my cats terribly."

"Today: more London sight-seeing/picture hunting with David. Tonight: meet up with my former NYC roommate, Shasta. More wear and tear on the body, but maybe if I drink more I won't notice.... ?

In love with London. Had a great time catching up with Kara Munro from NYC/AMDA days last night. She is identical to what she looked like 14 years ago! Maybe because she spent her time since then in L.A.?"

"London: too much candy, not enough dentists."

"Today's caloric input: 2150 calories. Output by walking/stairs: 80,000 calories. Tomorrow: recovery and grateful meditation in a Buddhisty locale planned for my last day of this journey. My beliefs, body, and soul have been challenged to the max, and through it all I have gotten my fire and zest for life back in a big way. I had lost it. I am ready for whatever comes next. Rawr!"

Sunday, December 9, 2012:

I woke up with one roomate gone (the girl from Paris who was shopping here), and when |I returned from my day, there was a new guy in her place. I planned on not doing anything today because I couldn't find a meditation center/class close by and I couldn't picture a lot of walking. I was going to do a self-lead meditation, which is always a bit risky for me. Meditation and praying and watching movies all carry the same risk for me: falling asleep.

Luckily though, I was able to find a place in a location called Comden, so I decided after packing some and showering that I would venture out and slowly make my way to the talk that I had signed up for. I was hoping that there was a bit of a meditation with it, and there was. In addition, discovering Camden was amazing. Totally my side of town! Black and gothy and rock-y and piercing-y. Pretty much like the East Village of NYC - but better. I took some pictures of the neighborhood with my phone (lower quality but more appropriate), and found my way to The Pirate Castle, my destination. Afterward, I took myself out on a date for sushi, and then spent the rest of my evening packing and taking a disco nap.

My commentary and reactions to the talk deserve a blog listing unto itself, so I will do that. 

Here are my Facebook comments from Sunday:

"Attending a spiritual talk called "The Philosophy of Love" for my last day in London. It takes place in Camden, an area I haven't visited yet. Surely it will give me food for thought as I wrap up my journey. Tomorrow I fly home to Nashville. So sad to be leaving Europe, but SO excited to see the fuzzers. I have missed them immensely. Through an organization called Inner Space. Found it on my search to find a meditation today. I might sneak record it. Have a feeling I will need to hear it more than once...." 

"OMG Camden. Where have you been all of my life?! I love this area of London!!!!!"

A friend thanked me for sharing my journey, to which I responded:

"Welcome. In this way, I was never alone, now was I!?  More pics will be uploaded today/tomorrow, and a few more blog posts too.... So glad I did this. Life changing.... As if everything else this year wasn't..... Ha!"

"Well. Now I am in a room with 3 men tonight. Let the snoring begin........ Pasty turned out to be from Norway and rarely left the hostel, I have an Aussie on the bunk on top of me, and a dude from Spain near my feet. No, pervs, I am not doing it with any of them/all of them. Good thing I'm used to being around a bunch of men. I'm pretending in my mind that we are in a rock band and touring together..... :) Pasty is the drummer, the Aussie is the guitar player and Spain boy is on bass. Based on looks and personality, it just fits that way. Plus, Aussie has a bitch strip tattoo."

And my paraphrases from the talk this evening, which will be further addressed in the next blog:

""You cannot have true love where ego is present. Ego is self-serving or self-reflective, and contaminates love, making it an artificial version."

Yes........"

""If you are not "full" in the love category, you cannot give of yourself without becoming depleted. Once you are full, you can give freely without expectation of anything in return. Pure love flows without any expectation of reciprocity. You cannot rely on getting it from others. Others will never fully fill you and may not always be there. It must come from self-love, self-acceptance, and self-respect."

Yes......."